Shrunken Tiki Turkey, My Test Kitchen, 2009
On the left is the turkey tiki meatloaf in 2007 served up fresh and proud on a mound of dyed-orange mashed potatoes in a vintage electric skillet. On the right is the same turkey tiki shrunk nearly in half after spending two years completely undisturbed in my refrigerator. To give you a idea of the degree of shrinkage, the “before” was shaped and baked in the 14” aluminum dish that the “after” is shown in. Mold has consumed his pineapple chunk mouth and left maraschino cherry eye.
YES, I DID THE UNTHINKABLE… I left my turkey tiki in the fridge for two years! …I know, IT’S SHOCKING! Did he smell? You would think so, but no. I never intended to keep him but after dinner was served and all the guests went home I couldn’t bear to just throw him away. He was the centerpiece not the main course. I’d made several normal turkey meatloaves to actually slice and serve. So after he sat posed on the dinner table for hours I was sure making a giant leftover turkey tiki sandwich for lunch the next day was out of the question.
So I put him back in the tin pan he was baked in, covered him up tight with foil and cleared a big spot for him on the top shelf of the fridge. It was supposed to be for just a couple of days until I could say goodbye. Those days turned into weeks. Of course I kept waiting for him to smell. But since he never did he remained. As the weeks turned into months I began thinking of him as a science project. Every time I opened the fridge I felt a childlike sense of wonder. But not once did I ever peek.
Then yesterday on the 717th day of his refrigeration, without any premeditation or tainted turkey scent in the kitchen air, I suddenly decided it was time to excavate. So I opened the fridge and delicately moved his aluminum tomb the to countertop. I took a deep breath and pulled back the foil. I looked at him and he looked at me…with one maraschino cherry eyeball. We had a moment. My childlike curiosity had been satisfied.
I held my breath certain poison mold spores were flying through the air as I escorted him outside and gently placed him in the bottom of an empty trash barrel. Moments later I heard the trash truck pull up. I ran outside like was going to save him. But it was too late he was gone. Of course I stood there feeling guilty.
So many questions…Why did I let him go?… What’s in that delicious packaged meatloaf seasoning anyway?…
And what will your turkey tiki look like in two years?
CLICK HERE for all my TURKEY TIKI THANKSGIVING DINNER RECIPIES
Here’s to one-eyed shrunken turkey tikis and YOU!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Los Angeles
November 19, 2009
Charles, I’m SO glad I wasn’t drinking or eating when I opened this – biggest laugh I’ve had all week!
Have a happy Thanksgiving!
While I’m certain that Emily Post has a chapter on precisely when and how a Tiki Turkey should be discarded, I haven’t been able to locate it just yet. I’ll let you know when I do. I have a feeling, however, that she would have avoided the tender moment you shared with that loaf of tiki turkey love while looking into his maraschino cherry eye. You’re a brave soul, Mr. Phoenix!
I’ve been watching too many television reruns… This reminds me of one… No all the CSI episodes. From yummy to creepy in just two short years. And I was POSITIVE those neon-red cherries would last forever!
I will never eat another maraschino cherry after seeing how well they all survived. What the heck do they put in those?
Hey Charles!!!! That looks like my “NANNA”s face from the 50′s. Only thing missing is the Camel cigarette hanging from her mouth.
I think you just told us far more about yourself than we ever wanted to know. But I love you anyway. Don’t ask me about the stuff in my fridge!
Happy T-Day!
Charles, you have officially grossed ME out, and that’s saying something! The cherries are… uh… really something.
It’s little things like these that make you so damn lovable! Keep up the good work!
You’re number one on my good housekeeping team. Sometimes science is just more important, n’est pas?
If any else this should sent to the Smithsonian for further evaluation!
Happy Thanks giving!
Now how do I do a deep fried Tiki Thanks Giving Turkey….. Hmmmm.
….and are sure you’re gay? Really seems more Oscar Madison than anything.
Wow! What a touching story… I am too saddend by your loss.
Love the new web-site, and when are you going to do a Holiday show here in Vegas??
XX Inky and Smiley
Charles, this tiki turkey meatloaf is so thoroughly disgusting it reminds me of my brother (a mechanical engineer) who once explained to me that things had to live in his refrigerator for five years, after which they would be discarded even if they were still good. I implore you to return to the ’50s slides!
Charles, you are a man after my own heart.
we are lucky to have you around to do the science experiments we only wish someone would let us do.
rock on,
.w.
…and what else is festering in your fridge, Charles? Yeeps!!
Gosh Chuck, ya really had me laffin’ at this one! I’m gonna be giving thanks to you this Thanxo-ween!
Was seeing the 1957 Plymouth resurrected from the time capsule in Tulsa OK any more or less dramatic than the Turkey Tiki excavation? Once again, you’ve made me THANKFUL for YOU this Thanksgiving! Cheers and best wishes!!
OMG, charles! i think this was the best one ever. you are TOOO much. i am sending this on to any and all of my friends. i can sympathize with you running after the garbage truck and feeling a pang of guilt afterwards. i would have felt the same way.
not everyone is going to “get” this, you know!
happy TDAY to you!
marta (and thank you for the most fabulous spooktacular show at bob baker’s place). my friends and i all had happiness hangovers for days afterward.
This made me laugh so hard
Happy Thanksgiving to you!!
Thank you for sharing that with us – hilarious! On a related note, my mom still has the top of her wedding cake in the freezer – from 1964. It’s been carted from Chicago to New Jersey to California. On their 25th anniversary, the cake came out of the freezer and my family posed for photos with it, then back in it went, where it remains to this day.
Is the Tiki Turkey mummified or sugar-frosted? Either way, delightful!
ALL IN GOOD FUN CHARLES- BUT JUST YOU WAIT, WHEN THE POOR SOB @ THE RECYCLING SORTING CENTER SEES THAT COME DOWN THE BELT- EVERTYING STOPS, THEY HAVE TO REVIVE HIM, CSI GETS CALLED IN TO FIGURE OUT WHO IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD IS SHRINKING HEADS, ETC, ETC…
PROOF ONCE AGAIN THAT NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING & MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MSG
Charles:
You are so great! Loved seeing you in Denver. C’monback. And I hope to see you in LA in 2010. Hope you get your schedule out soon.
Happy Thanksgiving,
Aitch Slavic
That’s hilarious! Happy Thanksgiving Charles!
I’m so tempted to make a tiki turkey, but afraid I’ll also be tempted to keep it for years like you did!
Can’t wait to see what you make this year. Happy Thanksgiving!
I can finally prove to my kids that my food isn’t as scary as they thought.
I think you’ve discovered air jerky. I’m thankful. Happy you know what.
Your Tiki Turkey turned out tremendously better than some tabbouleh that was left in the office refrigerator where I worked many years ago. It remained there for at least several months. Did you know that it grows purple filigreed mold? It was quite beautiful, really. However, I was also concerned about deadly spore inhalation, so off to the dumpster it went. Alas, I was not fortunate enough to capture it on film. So do not feel guilty – you were able to record your discovery for posterity’s sake, and it is multitudes cooler.
YIKES! God knows what chemicals are in the cherries. BTW any plans for a show in New York any time soon? Would love to catch another one of your shows…
That happens in our work fridge all the time.
Wow, I really must be hungry right now cuz that tiki on the right is looking a LOT like zucchini bread covered in a vanilla glaze. YUM!!!
Have a Happy Turkey Day, Charles. Love your site.
Karla
Oh Charles, I look forward to your postcards, and this time you have outdone yourself! I think the Tiki Turkey should win a prize and be included in the all-time Gallery of Regrettable Food! Love You, and Happy Happy Tiki-Turkery Day this year!
I am laughing through the tears…who needs to go to Borneo?
This makes me lament the day I had to throw away my Chili with a Mohawk!!
This freeze-dried creation deserved a more dignified burial! You have, however memorialized it with all its due. I was a victim of wedding cake left in the freezer myself. My first birthday cake was my parents’ two year old cake top. I have been addicted to white wedding cake since then. I doubt it would work for tiki turkey. Instead, this year I am partaking of Thanksgiving in Disneyland. More better!
Charles, please forward me the model of refrigerator you have. For something this large to go unnoticed for so long, it must be ginormous! I’ve always wanted a walk in refrigerator for my home but then, I would likely never clean it out! Thanks for letting us know you’re just as normal as the rest of us.
Charles, Thanks again for bringin’ your show to Kansas City last year! (We were the people in the tiki shirts). The turkey “tiki” was perfectly awful in the end. However, I think you missed a great opportunity for more exposure by not offering him up on ol” eBay. What’s next? Three year lasagna ala mode?
If my son had made something this wonderful, I would have intercepted it before the garbage truck came. It would be in my fridge for at least another decade. Just ask Kevin. A keeper is a keeper!!!
eewww, That Tiki Turkey is gross!!!!!